I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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