i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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