You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
