You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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