Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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