I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My cat gives me a boner
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
