I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
did i walk over a car last night?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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