i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
