Your face is a jimmy john
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
