he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
