I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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