dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
