Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
