But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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