I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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