Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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