The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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