She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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