Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize