scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
