What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
