tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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