he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
