I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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