My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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