Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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