He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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