so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
