Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
