You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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