Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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