i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There r osticjed everywhere
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
