we have pet lesbian snakes
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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