omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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