I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
