im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
