omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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