we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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