I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
