I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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