It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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