If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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