I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
