can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
