I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
