If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
