i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
