how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
