i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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