I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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