On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize