We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My bed smells like the plague
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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