the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
