Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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