im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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