how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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