so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
