New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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