You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
