"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
