I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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