How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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